Thursday, August 11, 2011

I wish

I wish I had all the answers… When the kids ask those things I can’t answer…

"Mom, why does dad have to go to work everyday?”
"Mom, why is Dylan (their 7 yr old cousin) in heaven? Is he coming back?”
"Mom, why is papa sick? What is cancer?”

I just don’t know.

I wish I was put together (or at least showered daily), that I was skinnier, that my house was clean, the dishes were done and the laundry was folded.

I wish I was born crafty(ier). And used those skills to better my home.

I wish I could be all the things my husband wishes I was ~ like his mom, tidier, more organized, a keeper of the home, and (dare I say) “in the mood” more.

I wish I never used my words to cut my husband down, that my kids didn’t know what mom sounded like when she yelled, ‘cause they hadn’t heard it. That my tongue was used to glorify the Lord, and not used for my own selfish gain.

I wish I had it all together… That I didn’t feel as if at any moment I could come completely unravelled.

But the truth is, I am not…
I am a wreck… An insecure, anxious, greedy, lazy, selfish girl… In my flesh, I sin. I fall short of His Glory. This is me… But God know this about me. And He loves me anyway. And He gives me words like this (in the book Thin Places: A Memoir by Mary DeMuth):

"He delights in my raggedy ways. Why? Because He redeems my messes. Cleans them up. Polishes them until they shine so bright the reflection of Jesus smiles back.”

Oh, the JOY. That His image is somehow seen in me. Not in my works ~ not in all the GOOD things I can do… but because He has saved me. He takes me as I am… A mess… and uses me… despite myself for His glory.

And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28


  1. love this post, kim. can so relate. and it's funny. a friend was talking about that book at bible study last night! need to read it! :)

  2. Found your blog in a roundabout way from The Wiegands :) I appreciate so much your rawness and honesty! Glad I found you...I'm going to "look around"!

  3. I found your blog by another blog friend and your pic with the note spoke to me deeply. I am in a process of accepting who I am and loving the body God gave me after 17 yrs of verbally abused by my ex husband.
    In HIM,

  4. I think many {most} women can relate to your post! Those types of thoughts go through my head all day long.. but I have to banish them before they take root and gain a foothold. It's so hard sometimes when Im having an especially hard day..
    loved your honesty in your post.. I'm a new friend {follower} :)