I wish

I wish I had all the answers… When the kids ask those things I can’t answer…

"Mom, why does dad have to go to work everyday?”
"Mom, why is Dylan (their 7 yr old cousin) in heaven? Is he coming back?”
"Mom, why is papa sick? What is cancer?”

I just don’t know.

I wish I was put together (or at least showered daily), that I was skinnier, that my house was clean, the dishes were done and the laundry was folded.

I wish I was born crafty(ier). And used those skills to better my home.

I wish I could be all the things my husband wishes I was ~ like his mom, tidier, more organized, a keeper of the home, and (dare I say) “in the mood” more.

I wish I never used my words to cut my husband down, that my kids didn’t know what mom sounded like when she yelled, ‘cause they hadn’t heard it. That my tongue was used to glorify the Lord, and not used for my own selfish gain.

I wish I had it all together… That I didn’t feel as if at any moment I could come completely unravelled.

But the truth is, I am not…
I am a wreck… An insecure, anxious, greedy, lazy, selfish girl… In my flesh, I sin. I fall short of His Glory. This is me… But God know this about me. And He loves me anyway. And He gives me words like this (in the book Thin Places: A Memoir by Mary DeMuth):

"He delights in my raggedy ways. Why? Because He redeems my messes. Cleans them up. Polishes them until they shine so bright the reflection of Jesus smiles back.”

Oh, the JOY. That His image is somehow seen in me. Not in my works ~ not in all the GOOD things I can do… but because He has saved me. He takes me as I am… A mess… and uses me… despite myself for His glory.

And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28